May 2015 Archive

Happy 1st Birthday to you my Darling!

My dearest Emerson,

Where do I start and how can I ever find enough words to tell you what you are to me?

Let’s start from the beginning. When you were in mommy’s tummy, you were such a wiggle worm. I remember how at every ultrasound you were ready to make your appearance on the screen. And I remember how one of the sweet technicians told me that she could see your eyelashes and that they would be very long. She was right. You are going to inevitably capture some hearts with those eyes of yours. But promise me you’ll always remember whose heart you captured first.

You only moved for mine and daddy’s touch and whenever anyone tried to feel you move, you were still like a statue. That was the first sign I noticed of your strong personality. You are very strong willed and so determined already. Must be the perfect Cuban-Lebanese combination that you are. I hope you stay this way when you become the gorgeous man I know you’ll be. It will be part of your character, along with the other wonderful hints of humor, curiosity, adventure, and charisma I already see in you.

I remember when we heard you cry for the first time as they brought you into this world. I looked at daddy and thought, oh boy are you ready for this?! You had a set of lungs that I could recognize all the way from the nursery and above all of the other babies crying. “That’s my Emerson”, I always thought as you were coming down the hallway.

You were surrounded with a tremendous amount of love from the moment you got here. You melted all of your aunties hearts and became a lady’s man within seconds. One by one every family member and friend that you met fell in love with your sweet spirit.

Your grandma Carol held you in her arms for the first time and that was it. She had everything she’d ever need in this life right in you. You are the medicine for any and every bad day she ever has and ever will. Thank you for making my momma so happy. She is everything a mom should be and I hope I can be just like her for you. I promise that you will remember her forever. She’s that special.

But you are blessed with not just one out of this world grandma but two! Your Lita is so in love with you that everything you do is the most beautiful thing in this world, even when you have a temper tantrum. And I think she’s right, you may have gotten that from her! I hope you also get her contagious smile and laugh because that’s what she does whenever she’s with you. And she already has your heart too because everytime you see her face, you light up and start giggling.

Lita gets a little upset when you want grandpa Doug but that’s because you have too much fun with him! He’s just like your daddy and showed your daddy how to be the big hearted, strong man that he is. And we can’t forget about your Uncle Duke, he’s already taught you so many things. And he will always be in your heart like you are a part of his.

Of course you will always hear about your grandpa William. He got to meet you too. And although he’s the strongest man I’ve ever known, he cried like a baby when he laid eyes on you. Oh my sweet Emerson, I hope I’ll find all the right words to describe him to you. I just know in my heart that you will be a lot like him.

God had to take him away so that you could have the best angel in all the Heavens to watch over you. He was a real life Superhero I promise you this and he could do anything.  So he was the perfect person to protect you, and mommy and daddy and make sure we are all okay. I’ll make sure I tell you all about him everyday.

He was my daddy just like you have yours. Sometimes my sweetheart, it was hard for me to give you smiles like I should have every single day. I was just so sad when Grandpa William had to go. But you came and held the pieces of my heart together in one place so that it could heal. Thank you for being mommy’s hero and saving me.

You remind me of grandpa in every smirk and every eyebrow raise you give. So I know he’s around me still because he is definitely in you. Thank you for keeping him alive with me forever by being my son.

Let’s talk about your daddy for a bit. Now I already know that you have his long legs. (Thank goodness they’re already longer than mommy’s) And your perfect eyebrows that make me a little jealous, those you got from him too. But I hope more than anything, you get daddy’s big, big heart.

There’s not a person who’s met him who doesn’t love him from that very instant. He is always smiling and laughing like you! He laughs very loudly and has trouble with whispering. I think you guys are going to be two peas in a pod. Well you already are. And daddy is so crazy smart and will teach you so many things. And go on roller coaster rides with you because mommy doesn’t do that.

Thank you for making me fall in love with daddy over and over again. And for giving him the job that he was destined to do, by being your dad.

You see my dear boy you are the dream that made all of my dreams come true. I was always waiting for things to happen in a certain way; to follow a certain time frame for my life to unfold. I thought that if we just try to make the right choices, that these choices alone bring us from one chapter to the next.

Yes of course, this is partly true and you will learn all about that when you grow up. But fate and destiny have their say too; you’re my living proof.

You made me realize for the first time that there are some things that you just can’t control. There are things that will happen that can’t be explained and that my dear is what makes life so worth living. We are not supposed to know it all!

I know from becoming your mommy that everything happens as it was meant to in this world. And that everything will always be okay as long as I have you.

I know that Heaven exists because I am sure that’s exactly where you came from. You were waiting to come for the time I needed you the most. Thank you for being my  light at the darkest of times.

I promise you that I will always do the same for you. I’ll do my best everyday to teach you how to be kind to yourself and others so that you know your worth and give back to the world just what it needs. So that you receive all of which you gave to us that very moment we met you: love and happiness.

It was just yesterday that your presence changed our life forever. Now with a blink of an eye, a whole year has gone by! We both survived. (Mommy didn’t do too bad.)  You are meant to do big things on this Earth my love. Look at everything you did in just this one year, and the best is yet to come as they say.

My life started the moment you came into this world and my love for you is what will carry me to the end of it.

Thank you for giving me my every purpose, for being my heart and soul, and for showing me what life is really all about.

Happy 1st Birthday my darling angel.

All of my love, kisses and squeezes,
Mommy (And Daddy too)
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Happy Mother’s Day

On this first Mother’s Day, I can’t help but reflect on this last year and the year before when I was pregnant. Because anyone who’s been pregnant knows it feels like an entire year! lol. I turned 30; I got married, had a baby and lost my darling dad.

They say when you hit your thirties you really become comfortable in your own skin. I don’t know if I believed that for a while, not even before I became pregnant. And when I had Emerson, I really felt more out of place than ever.

Perhaps it’s because my world shattered when I lost my dad. He was the one person I wanted so badly to watch me “grow up”. Perhaps it was because becoming a mom is an experience that although can be described in a thousand words, all of those words combined can’t express all the emotions you’ll inevitably feel.

You are prepared for the many nights of no sleep because every single person that has crossed your path has warned you. I know because I’m now doing the warning! You are prepared for the overwhelming amount of love that comes over you when your baby realizes that you’re the mommy. I am pretty sure E just realized a few weeks ago. No joke I think he thought that Jonathan was his mommy this whole time and I was the kooky nanny.

It’s bound to happen when you’re paired up with someone who’s an absolute natural at being a parent. That’s Jonathan, he was meant to be a daddy on this Earth. And he has mastered every aspect of becoming a new parent along with the face of sheer panic. : p

But what about all the other experiences that derive out of this one profound experience? And I say that word not to mean obviously amazing, but in its true definition, “an intense or great sense of state, quality or emotion. ” That accurately describes it, I think.

Who really tells you “ hey listen there will be times when you’re scared out of your mind”, or even infuriated from lack of sleep and an overload of emotions? Or having a baby will be the ultimate test of the glue that holds your relationship together with your partner.

That this won’t be all rainbows and clear skies. There will be many days and nights you feel completely overwhelmed. I say this not to frighten you if you’ve yet to become a mommy but to remind you on this Mother’s Day that you yourself or the moms you know didn’t just have a baby last year or the years past.

Your life changed overnight. You woke up and you were no longer able to just worry about yourself. Ever again. It’s hard to swallow I know, I remember the moment that I realized it. The baby you carried around for 10+ months that was somewhat of a ghost or illusion that you talked about with all these people finally became a reality. Because let’s face it we’ve been told we have a human growing inside of us, but we kinda don’t believe it, even after we can no longer see our toes.

And that reality shook you to the core and made you realize that you will be someone’s mom, protector, confidant, and teacher for your whole life until you rest your eyes for the final time.

I made many mistakes from the time my sweet boy was born. I thought I knew better then anyone around me even my own mother, and she is as close to perfect as I can ever dream of. I spent many nights and days feeling somewhat trapped.  I felt overwhelmed beyond belief and even questioned if I was meant to do this enormous job I was so gracefully given. And I still do, and probably always will. Check back with me when Emerson is seventeen and driving!

But as my first Mother’s Day approaches, and in this moment, however temporary it may be, I know I was meant to be Emerson’s mommy. I now believe that being a good mom has very little to do with being perfect or having it together much of the time. In fact I say it’s the opposite.

Being a mom means realizing you will always have a long list of uncertainties and feel a wide range of emotions every single day. It means feeling confused as to how this happened. I know it’s not actually confusing- we all know how babies are made! But I mean that entering a state of bewilderment is an unavoidable part of this package.

It’s okay to admit this, and actually it might be a little therapeutic for you.  There was no handbook, as cliché as it sounds, to tell us all the right things to think and do. Not even for our moms and mum-in-laws who are now grandmas and know better because they love your baby maybe even more than you and your honey. Haha. But it’s a beautiful thing. And we can never undermine that love.

We aren’t defined by motherhood and all the things we should have and could have done better. Nor are we defined by that long list of uncertainties. We do share this common bond though, this one certainty that we will never stop worrying, we will always be questioning our own judgment, and we will always be learning.

Because motherhood has not defined us as inferior super humans but rather as impressionable women who hopefully come to grips with one certainty. The new love we feel for our child, the extension of our heart and soul is the only feeling we can identify without a hint of uncertainty.  And that’s what will keep us going, and trying to become the best version of ourselves. It’s our legacy that will live on past our time.

So with all of this being said, Happy Mother’s Day to all moms and moms-to-be, no matter the current state of your hair, or the stains on your clothes, or the mistakes you think you’ve made. You have done the best you can each day and have put your life last in many ways. Please know you are an inspiration to so many people, not because you are a mom but because you are human.  And we appreciate every obstacle, mistake and lesson you’ve lived. You’re an angel we get to have here on Earth. And even when you can’t feel your wings, we can see them no matter what.

All my love,

Kelly

Dedicated to our two angels, our idea of perfect, what I can only hope I become, and THE best  Grandma and Lita-Carol and Caridad. ~Emerson, Jonathan and I thank you with all of our hearts.

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