motherhood Archive

Happy 1st Birthday to you my Darling!

My dearest Emerson,

Where do I start and how can I ever find enough words to tell you what you are to me?

Let’s start from the beginning. When you were in mommy’s tummy, you were such a wiggle worm. I remember how at every ultrasound you were ready to make your appearance on the screen. And I remember how one of the sweet technicians told me that she could see your eyelashes and that they would be very long. She was right. You are going to inevitably capture some hearts with those eyes of yours. But promise me you’ll always remember whose heart you captured first.

You only moved for mine and daddy’s touch and whenever anyone tried to feel you move, you were still like a statue. That was the first sign I noticed of your strong personality. You are very strong willed and so determined already. Must be the perfect Cuban-Lebanese combination that you are. I hope you stay this way when you become the gorgeous man I know you’ll be. It will be part of your character, along with the other wonderful hints of humor, curiosity, adventure, and charisma I already see in you.

I remember when we heard you cry for the first time as they brought you into this world. I looked at daddy and thought, oh boy are you ready for this?! You had a set of lungs that I could recognize all the way from the nursery and above all of the other babies crying. “That’s my Emerson”, I always thought as you were coming down the hallway.

You were surrounded with a tremendous amount of love from the moment you got here. You melted all of your aunties hearts and became a lady’s man within seconds. One by one every family member and friend that you met fell in love with your sweet spirit.

Your grandma Carol held you in her arms for the first time and that was it. She had everything she’d ever need in this life right in you. You are the medicine for any and every bad day she ever has and ever will. Thank you for making my momma so happy. She is everything a mom should be and I hope I can be just like her for you. I promise that you will remember her forever. She’s that special.

But you are blessed with not just one out of this world grandma but two! Your Lita is so in love with you that everything you do is the most beautiful thing in this world, even when you have a temper tantrum. And I think she’s right, you may have gotten that from her! I hope you also get her contagious smile and laugh because that’s what she does whenever she’s with you. And she already has your heart too because everytime you see her face, you light up and start giggling.

Lita gets a little upset when you want grandpa Doug but that’s because you have too much fun with him! He’s just like your daddy and showed your daddy how to be the big hearted, strong man that he is. And we can’t forget about your Uncle Duke, he’s already taught you so many things. And he will always be in your heart like you are a part of his.

Of course you will always hear about your grandpa William. He got to meet you too. And although he’s the strongest man I’ve ever known, he cried like a baby when he laid eyes on you. Oh my sweet Emerson, I hope I’ll find all the right words to describe him to you. I just know in my heart that you will be a lot like him.

God had to take him away so that you could have the best angel in all the Heavens to watch over you. He was a real life Superhero I promise you this and he could do anything.  So he was the perfect person to protect you, and mommy and daddy and make sure we are all okay. I’ll make sure I tell you all about him everyday.

He was my daddy just like you have yours. Sometimes my sweetheart, it was hard for me to give you smiles like I should have every single day. I was just so sad when Grandpa William had to go. But you came and held the pieces of my heart together in one place so that it could heal. Thank you for being mommy’s hero and saving me.

You remind me of grandpa in every smirk and every eyebrow raise you give. So I know he’s around me still because he is definitely in you. Thank you for keeping him alive with me forever by being my son.

Let’s talk about your daddy for a bit. Now I already know that you have his long legs. (Thank goodness they’re already longer than mommy’s) And your perfect eyebrows that make me a little jealous, those you got from him too. But I hope more than anything, you get daddy’s big, big heart.

There’s not a person who’s met him who doesn’t love him from that very instant. He is always smiling and laughing like you! He laughs very loudly and has trouble with whispering. I think you guys are going to be two peas in a pod. Well you already are. And daddy is so crazy smart and will teach you so many things. And go on roller coaster rides with you because mommy doesn’t do that.

Thank you for making me fall in love with daddy over and over again. And for giving him the job that he was destined to do, by being your dad.

You see my dear boy you are the dream that made all of my dreams come true. I was always waiting for things to happen in a certain way; to follow a certain time frame for my life to unfold. I thought that if we just try to make the right choices, that these choices alone bring us from one chapter to the next.

Yes of course, this is partly true and you will learn all about that when you grow up. But fate and destiny have their say too; you’re my living proof.

You made me realize for the first time that there are some things that you just can’t control. There are things that will happen that can’t be explained and that my dear is what makes life so worth living. We are not supposed to know it all!

I know from becoming your mommy that everything happens as it was meant to in this world. And that everything will always be okay as long as I have you.

I know that Heaven exists because I am sure that’s exactly where you came from. You were waiting to come for the time I needed you the most. Thank you for being my  light at the darkest of times.

I promise you that I will always do the same for you. I’ll do my best everyday to teach you how to be kind to yourself and others so that you know your worth and give back to the world just what it needs. So that you receive all of which you gave to us that very moment we met you: love and happiness.

It was just yesterday that your presence changed our life forever. Now with a blink of an eye, a whole year has gone by! We both survived. (Mommy didn’t do too bad.)  You are meant to do big things on this Earth my love. Look at everything you did in just this one year, and the best is yet to come as they say.

My life started the moment you came into this world and my love for you is what will carry me to the end of it.

Thank you for giving me my every purpose, for being my heart and soul, and for showing me what life is really all about.

Happy 1st Birthday my darling angel.

All of my love, kisses and squeezes,
Mommy (And Daddy too)
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Happy Mother’s Day

On this first Mother’s Day, I can’t help but reflect on this last year and the year before when I was pregnant. Because anyone who’s been pregnant knows it feels like an entire year! lol. I turned 30; I got married, had a baby and lost my darling dad.

They say when you hit your thirties you really become comfortable in your own skin. I don’t know if I believed that for a while, not even before I became pregnant. And when I had Emerson, I really felt more out of place than ever.

Perhaps it’s because my world shattered when I lost my dad. He was the one person I wanted so badly to watch me “grow up”. Perhaps it was because becoming a mom is an experience that although can be described in a thousand words, all of those words combined can’t express all the emotions you’ll inevitably feel.

You are prepared for the many nights of no sleep because every single person that has crossed your path has warned you. I know because I’m now doing the warning! You are prepared for the overwhelming amount of love that comes over you when your baby realizes that you’re the mommy. I am pretty sure E just realized a few weeks ago. No joke I think he thought that Jonathan was his mommy this whole time and I was the kooky nanny.

It’s bound to happen when you’re paired up with someone who’s an absolute natural at being a parent. That’s Jonathan, he was meant to be a daddy on this Earth. And he has mastered every aspect of becoming a new parent along with the face of sheer panic. : p

But what about all the other experiences that derive out of this one profound experience? And I say that word not to mean obviously amazing, but in its true definition, “an intense or great sense of state, quality or emotion. ” That accurately describes it, I think.

Who really tells you “ hey listen there will be times when you’re scared out of your mind”, or even infuriated from lack of sleep and an overload of emotions? Or having a baby will be the ultimate test of the glue that holds your relationship together with your partner.

That this won’t be all rainbows and clear skies. There will be many days and nights you feel completely overwhelmed. I say this not to frighten you if you’ve yet to become a mommy but to remind you on this Mother’s Day that you yourself or the moms you know didn’t just have a baby last year or the years past.

Your life changed overnight. You woke up and you were no longer able to just worry about yourself. Ever again. It’s hard to swallow I know, I remember the moment that I realized it. The baby you carried around for 10+ months that was somewhat of a ghost or illusion that you talked about with all these people finally became a reality. Because let’s face it we’ve been told we have a human growing inside of us, but we kinda don’t believe it, even after we can no longer see our toes.

And that reality shook you to the core and made you realize that you will be someone’s mom, protector, confidant, and teacher for your whole life until you rest your eyes for the final time.

I made many mistakes from the time my sweet boy was born. I thought I knew better then anyone around me even my own mother, and she is as close to perfect as I can ever dream of. I spent many nights and days feeling somewhat trapped.  I felt overwhelmed beyond belief and even questioned if I was meant to do this enormous job I was so gracefully given. And I still do, and probably always will. Check back with me when Emerson is seventeen and driving!

But as my first Mother’s Day approaches, and in this moment, however temporary it may be, I know I was meant to be Emerson’s mommy. I now believe that being a good mom has very little to do with being perfect or having it together much of the time. In fact I say it’s the opposite.

Being a mom means realizing you will always have a long list of uncertainties and feel a wide range of emotions every single day. It means feeling confused as to how this happened. I know it’s not actually confusing- we all know how babies are made! But I mean that entering a state of bewilderment is an unavoidable part of this package.

It’s okay to admit this, and actually it might be a little therapeutic for you.  There was no handbook, as cliché as it sounds, to tell us all the right things to think and do. Not even for our moms and mum-in-laws who are now grandmas and know better because they love your baby maybe even more than you and your honey. Haha. But it’s a beautiful thing. And we can never undermine that love.

We aren’t defined by motherhood and all the things we should have and could have done better. Nor are we defined by that long list of uncertainties. We do share this common bond though, this one certainty that we will never stop worrying, we will always be questioning our own judgment, and we will always be learning.

Because motherhood has not defined us as inferior super humans but rather as impressionable women who hopefully come to grips with one certainty. The new love we feel for our child, the extension of our heart and soul is the only feeling we can identify without a hint of uncertainty.  And that’s what will keep us going, and trying to become the best version of ourselves. It’s our legacy that will live on past our time.

So with all of this being said, Happy Mother’s Day to all moms and moms-to-be, no matter the current state of your hair, or the stains on your clothes, or the mistakes you think you’ve made. You have done the best you can each day and have put your life last in many ways. Please know you are an inspiration to so many people, not because you are a mom but because you are human.  And we appreciate every obstacle, mistake and lesson you’ve lived. You’re an angel we get to have here on Earth. And even when you can’t feel your wings, we can see them no matter what.

All my love,

Kelly

Dedicated to our two angels, our idea of perfect, what I can only hope I become, and THE best  Grandma and Lita-Carol and Caridad. ~Emerson, Jonathan and I thank you with all of our hearts.

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11 things I know about you after 11 months together…
  1. You are a silly willy that loves to laugh as much as your daddy. I remember the first time we heard you giggle; it was a sound I never want to forget. I think you are going to have a great sense of humor. And in this world, that’s going to make your life so much sweeter!
  2. You love bananas, the first “numy” you ever tried. I had an idea you’d love them because I ate so many when you were in my belly. I was right; they’re your favorite so far!
  3. You have charisma. I may be biased because I’m your momma but you have this charm that shines every time you smile and raise that beautiful eyebrow of yours. And that sparkle in your eyes-forget it, it belongs to you. I think grandpa William gave it to you. He had that same gaze and grin!
  4. I think you’re gonna be a big music fan like all of your sweet aunties. (Their playlists will rock your world) You love being sung to and enjoy trying to sing too. And every time a song comes on, your dance moves may look better than your daddy’s at this point.
  5. You can be a tad stubborn which I love every second of. Who knows if this will change, as you get older! When you want something, you are determined to get it and I think with a little guidance from mommy and daddy that can be a quality that helps you make your dreams come true.
  6. You love your tee-tee, that’s a pacifier in our home. One day while at Babies R Us, I remember I lost the only one I had with me. And I screamed frantically to the woman next to me, do you see his tee-tee?!! “Ugh honey what’s that?” I’ve come a long way from that day as a mommy because now I carry three tee-tees with me at all times and have a leash for it that attaches to you. So we love the tee-tee, depend on it with our life in fact!!
  7.  You have 8 teeth and they are soooo cute, that I want to give them kisses. It sounds a bit strange but baby teeth are a little piece of Heaven. And when they peek out of your mouth when you smile, I die right there. We just started to brush them and you fight it a little bit then start giggling. Figures.
  8. You love to be the life of the party. When we have family and friends around you, you love every second of it. You watch us all with those gorgeous eyes of yours and smile away. You make all kinds of noises and whatever you’re saying; it makes perfect sense to me. And if no one pays attention to you, you get very upset! Our little shining star.
  9. You are a little flirt. Every time a cute woman walks by, you’re always following them with your eyes. My hunch is you will marry a blonde because you are in awe every time you look at them. (The opposite of your momma) You love to watch the news in the morning to see the lovely weather girls. And you smile the whole time as if they can see you. Don’t quote me, but I think I may be in trouble later. I think you may break some hearts in your day but no matter what, I’ll make sure you’re always a gentleman.
  10. You like to snuggle in the morning when you first wake up. And this makes it incredibly hard for mommy and daddy to go to work in the morning. Always wishing for five more minutes to snuggle our cuddle bear. But it sure gets us through the day, knowing we will see your face when we walk back in the door.
  11. In just eleven months, you have already become our reason for living, for trying to become better than what we are, and for realizing that our hearts will always have an indefinite space for love to fill.
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Looking forward to an endless list of all the things I know about you.

Love you forever my sweet boy,

Your Mommy

Registry Tips: Make it the best experience!

I remember the day I went Regisrty shopping. I was guided that when I got there, I would be given a list of all the stuff I needed. And all I had to do is walk around the store with this clicker thing and pick out what I want.

Ok easy enough …so I walk in and get my handy list which is eight pages long. Ok maybe not eight but at least five! Long enough for the panic to set in.

You see I can follow a list, most people can. But what I read wasn’t anything I knew of, aside from maybe the words: blanket, bottle, and diapers. But even then, those items became a blur when I walked down the isles and saw twenty types of each blanket, bottle and diaper. And remember these were the words I knew! Did you know that a swaddler was a type of blanket before all of this?

So of course you can imagine how I was when I got to more complex parts of the list like bath tub protective faucet cover and interactive swing, bouncer, rocker, and sleeper! What!

I look back on that day and I must’ve looked like I was lost in a forrest to the people who were working at Babies R Us. I went up to them at least three times asking the question, “Um what is this?”. And they looked at me like, “Lady are you sure you’re ready for this!” LOL. But I really thought this was going to be no big deal. I remember saying to Jonathan, “Don’t worry, stay home relax, I’ll be home soon”.

 Did I mention that my cell phone died while I was there? I think I made three desperate phone calls before I was s*** out of luck. The first one was to my mom who didn’t know half of the items on the list. Because then there wasn’t as long as a list! The next call was to Jonathan who I think I yelled at because I told him, he should’ve come with me. (Mind you, I told the poor guy to stay home) And the third phone call was to my pregnant best friend who was patiently explaining to me the difference between a bassinet and a pack-n-play when the phone died! (She did her research!)

Needless to say that word overwhelmed is an understatement to describe how I was feeling and what I looked like to the public that day. Total Hot Mess seems more fitting!

So to save you from what might be a complete disaster, I have a few pointers that may help if this is your first time around doing THE Baby Registry.

  1. Stick to the basics. What are the necessities for this little bun in the oven? Bottles, blankets stroller, etc. for the first trip. Especially as a newborn, focus on the things you need right away. Go back to shop for the more in depth items.
  2. Don’t do it all in one shot unless you’ve done all your research and you know what items you want and what kind!
  3. Take another mommy friend with you who can tell you what is necessary on the list and what you can disregard for the time being.
  4. If you were like me and are clueless to it all, pick up the list first and GO HOME. Look items up to figure out what these things are and read mommy reviews. They are helpful.
  5. If the tall shelves of baby products freak you out like they did to me, do an online registry. And sit at home while doing it with your swollen feet up on the couch! (Amazon, BabyList, myregistry.com)
  6. Hold off on registering for clothes at a big store like Babies R Us because shipments will likely change and they will go on sale. Plus most likely you will get a bunch of onesies at your baby shower, which you will need.
  7. Register for what you want and as much as you want because often times you can get a discount if you purchase all the items that are left on the registry after your baby shower.
  8. If you can, enjoy this project with your sweetheart and look at it as a bonding activity that you guys can argue, laugh and be excited through it all!

Here were my must-halves and favorite items looking back…

The 4 Moms Mamaroo or a bouncer of some kind so that you can multitask!

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Dr. Brown’s bottles-loved these for my little one’s acid reflux and gasiness

 

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Swaddler Blankets-They have velcro and do it yourself!

Thermometer for little one’s ear-so much easier!

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Mini bathtub- you can put anywhere or just keep in your bathtub

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Pack N Play-there are so many out there and I used mine as a bassinet, changing table and play pen!

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Diapers! I use Pampers Swaddlers but also really like the Honest Diapers that get shipped to your house, are Organic and come in so many cute patterns.

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A video monitor that is high resolution, wireless and functions as a 2-way walkie talkie

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A snap-n-go stroller or click connect that your car seat can connect to-I can’t tell you how much easier these things are! They are more compact, lighter and quicker when you’re running around doing errands. And if you’re little one is sleeping you don’t have to risk waking them up by lifting them out of their car seat.

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Always learning,

Kelly

It’s the little things

Pre-Baby: The little things you’ll miss

  • Sleeping in…When people so graciously warn you that you won’t sleep ever again. It’s not entirely true. You will one day when the baby gets on a sleeping schedule, a.k.a. they sleep through the night. Then you will sleep. Your head will hit the pillow like a ton of bricks and you ‘ll sleep like… a baby! You just won’t sleep in for quite a while, I am guessing the next 18 years.
  • Taking a long shower without opening the curtain to check the baby monitor, every few minutes. (Especially when your shower is only two minutes max! Too much other stuff to do!) Sometimes a leg is sacrificed during the shaving process and you’ll have to go halvsies-one smooth, one wilder beast! I look at showers in a whole different way now. It is pure bliss.
  • Getting errands done whenever you need to with no time limits. I had to let go of my two-hour Home Good excursions, unless Em happens to nap there in his stroller. Now that equals a great day lol.
  • That feeling of only having to worry about yourself. I sometimes think I had enough to worry about, just taking care of me and my hot mess self! If I think about it too much, it can be really overwhelming-the thought of being responsible for someone else forever.
  • The ability to get something done without any interruptions at all. Things you never imagined would even matter like plucking your eyebrows, or going to the bathroom!

Post-Baby: The little things you’ll never want to let go

  • The smile on their face when they see you walk through the door after a long day at work. It will make you forget the garbage you dealt with and remember why you wake up everyday.
  • The sound of them making little goo goo’s, happy screams and banging their toys. You won’t ever feel lonely again sitting at home.
  • The touch of their little hand on yours. And when you look down at the sight of it, you’ll say to yourself, “I can’t believe this is my baby”
  • When they do something they’ve never done before and you feel so proud. And if you’re like Jonathan and I, you will be biased from the get-go and ask each other, isn’t that so advanced???
  • The feeling of their breath on your neck when you’re holding them in the middle of the night. Yes there will be times when you’re so exhausted because you’ve woken up several times and hardly got a wink of sleep. And after many of these nights in a row, the feeling of crazy does rapidly approach. But I promise you there will be more moments that you wish you could bottle that feeling up so you could feel it forever. It’s that good.

We all have those moments of missing parts of our old lives sans child. And although it may be hard to admit or maybe a bit embarrassing, I think it’s the honest truth. We are after all human and becoming a parent has never been guaranteed to be a breeze.  Every now and then you will wonder, How am I gonna do this? And with that comes natural feelings of missing some of your old life while learning to connect with what’s new. This little angel will make you question yourself in more ways than one, your capabilities, your patience… But most of all, how you ever lived life before without this immense new love that makes everything, even silly things, out of this world.

Keeping it real,

Kelly

I could stare at you all day.
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Can I have those eyelashes please??