I know in this life, we all experience loss that comes in many forms. Failed relationships, losing someone to sickness or tragedy, or simply a void you are feeling in your life. Wherever this loss originates from, whether big or small, the pain you feel is your own, no one can measure it for you. No one can feel it the same way you do. Because I really believe that although we share this in common, we can’t feel it in the same way. Because with loss, comes our own unique, background story, one that only YOU lived.
We certainly can relate to one another and be empathetic to each other, but we carry our own set of regrets, and a bag of shoulda, woulda, couldas. I write this to tell you one small way to get through whatever dark clouds are in your path.
I found in the worst of moments, the ones where you feel scared, sad, angry, and as though your heart may explode, to just let it. When you feel like your emotions are taking over and you can’t breathe, let them. Take the deep breaths you need and know you will exhale. Feel everything you need to, no matter who’s in the room or where you are, or how it looks. Just let go and I promise, it will pass. I wish I could tell you that it will be gone forever. But for the moment, after the storm, you will smile and laugh again. And a rainbow will be waiting for you at the other end.
Below, I’ll tell you about one of those times, from when I wrote this on New Year’s Eve…maybe grab some tissues…
~Tonight when I went to put Emerson to sleep, I did something I don’t usually do. Honestly I usually rush out and do my pink-panther tip toe out of his room so I can get a thousand things done before going to bed. But tonight in particular on this New Year’s Eve, I held him in my arms for a long while before I lay him down in his crib and did my mad dash.
I sat in my glider, watching him sleep as he was completely in a milk coma, or I like to call it “milky drunk”. I didn’t want to put him down. I knew if I did, the thoughts I had been trying to avoid all day, would come to the surface immediately. It was setting in that this year, 2015, would be the first year of my life I entered in without my dad being here.
New Year’s Eve has always been a sentimental day for me for some reason, whether good or bad happened throughout the year before. And at midnight, wherever we were, I would turn to Jonathan, give him a kiss, and get a little weepy. This year, although not midnight yet, was no exception.
I thought about all the New Year’s Eves past that my dad would be begging me to go to some big Arabic party where I knew there’d be loud music, belly-dancing and endless amounts of food. And every year, as far back as I can remember, I’d say no. I knew exactly what he would do when I was there; he would introduce me to every single person and parade me around like a doll. The thought of it then would drive me crazy. Amazing how things can change so quickly.
If he were here, I would go in a second. I would love every minute of it. And he would’ve been smiling from ear to ear, with that grin of his. One adoring look from my dad would make you feel like the only person in his universe that mattered.
So tonight as I sat and watched Emerson I thought to myself, how exceptional my life was at that moment, to have such a beautiful little part of Jonathan, and myself in this world. But I would be lying to you, if I said I didn’t feel as though I had paid the price when my dad left.
I know when I wake up tomorrow; I will believe again that everything happens for a reason. But for tonight before the ball drops, I can’t help but think the truth. I sat in the dark with Emerson with the sound of fireworks going off outside. No distractions, just the quiet around me, and my thoughts… he should be here to see this little angel, hold him, smell him, see him grow and listen to his voice, saying “Grandpa”. He should see me with Emerson, to tell me what I am doing right and wrong. This all wasn’t a bad dream that I’ll wake up from- it’s real.
So to the end of this New Year’s Eve, I remember something my dad always said, “Nothing lasts forever Kelly, it all comes to an end”. During the times he’d say that in the past, it was just words, one of my dad’s many words of wisdom. Now those words take my breath away. He was right. I will try to remember this in every moment of 2015, if I ever take anything or anyone for granted again.~
It was a rough evening to get through and one of the worst moments I’ve ever felt. But when I woke up the next morning and walked through Emerson’s nursery door to see his smiling face, there looking up at me, with my dad’s hazel eyes, was my rainbow.
Sweetest of Dreams,